How to Cook and Eat an Artichoke.

ARTICHOKES.

I love artichokes. They are some of my favourite things to eat. I do not do this often because, although they are vegetables, the traditional preparation and consumption of an artichoke requires some… additional calories…

Many times when I’ve spoken about my love for the artichoke, people will tell me not only have they never eaten an artichoke but they would have no idea how to cook or eat one anyway. Therefore, I share with you, the time honoured tradition of the artichoke: How to prepare and consume (Instructions are the photos below).

Prepare yourself. You’re about to eat an unhealthy meal. This is a treat. Like a 1,500 calorie Saag Paneer Roti from Ghandis. You know it’s bad for you… but sometimes you just have to TREAT YO SELF.

UGLY: Your face when you eat an artichoke. Just go with it.

AWESOME: The fact that you are about to embark on a journey that will leave you satisfied, knowledgeable and thirsty.

These beautiful babies are artichokes. And Imma eat them.
These beautiful babies are artichokes. And Imma eat them.
Get a big pot, big enough that your artichokes can sit inside with the lid on, fill it with water and boil it.
Get a big pot, big enough that your artichokes can sit inside with the lid on, fill it with water and boil it.
First peel the teensy leaves off the stem. Aint nobody got time for those.
First peel the teensy leaves off the stem. Aint nobody got time for those.
Cut off the stem, leaving a delicious half an inch poking out.
Cut off the stem, leaving a delicious half an inch poking out.
Plop your artichokes into that boiling water.
Plop your artichokes into that boiling water.
Put the lid on your pot and set the timer for half an hour (can be more or less depending on the size of your chokes). About half way through roll them around in case they're stuck with one side facing up.
Put the lid on your pot and set the timer for half an hour (can be more or less depending on the size of your chokes). About half way through roll them around in case they’re stuck with one side facing up.
While waiting for your artichokes to boil you can...admire your nails...
While waiting for your artichokes to boil you can…admire your nails…
...Look how nice they would look in a scary movie...
…Look how nice they would look in a scary movie…
...maybe read a book...
…maybe read a book…

Or you could dance around to Bollywood music.

Once a half hour is up, take a look at your gorgeous green broth.
Once a half hour is up, take a look at your gorgeous green broth.
remove the artichokes carefully (don't raise the choke above your hand or boiling water will drip into your palm like a handshake from Satan.
remove the artichokes carefully (don’t raise the choke above your hand or boiling water will drip into your palm like a handshake from Satan.
Admire your steamy wonders.
Admire your steamy wonders.
Take a stick of butter (don't judge me) and chop it up.
Take a stick of butter (don’t judge me) and chop it up.
Put it in a bowl.
Put it in a bowl.
Use your lazer beam eyes to melt the butter.
Use your lazer beam eyes to melt the butter.
PREPARE FOR EATING!
PREPARE FOR EATING!
You'll also need a big bowl for all your discarded leaf carcasses.
You’ll also need a big bowl for all your discarded leaf carcasses.
HOW TO EAT: STEP 1. Pull off a leaf from the outer most leyer.
HOW TO EAT: STEP 1.
Pull off a leaf from the outer most leyer.
Step 2: Dip the non-pointy end in your bowl of fat.
Step 2: Dip the non-pointy end in your bowl of fat.
Step 3: Scrape off the flesh from the inside of the leaf with your teeth and eat it. The smaller leaves (the beginning ones) will not have a ton of "meat". Wait till you get to the middle. You just wait.
Step 3: Scrape off the flesh from the inside of the leaf with your teeth and eat it. The smaller leaves (the beginning ones) will not have a ton of “meat”. Wait till you get to the middle. You just wait.
Step 4: Discard the pointy part of the leaf into your carcass bowl.
Step 4: Discard the pointy part of the leaf into your carcass bowl.
FYI, that's what it looks like post-scrape eat.
FYI, that’s what it looks like post-scrape eat.
FYI this is what it looks like when a monster eats an artichoke.
FYI this is what it looks like when a monster eats an artichoke.
Congratulations! You've eaten many leaves and you've made it to the heart of the artichoke.
Congratulations! You’ve eaten many leaves and you’ve made it to the heart of the artichoke.
Look at the destruction you left in your wake.
Look at the destruction you left in your wake.
OK, HOW TO EAT THE HEART: Pull off all the silly leaves that no one wants.
OK, HOW TO EAT THE HEART: Pull off all the silly leaves that no one wants.
All that will remain is the heart with some weird furry stuff sticking out. DO NOT EAT THE FUR.
All that will remain is the heart with some weird furry stuff sticking out. DO NOT EAT THE FUR.
Take a spoon and spoon out all the furry bits, while trying to keep as much actual heart as possible.
Take a spoon and spoon out all the furry bits, while trying to keep as much actual heart as possible.
This is the heart, post fur removal.
This is the heart, post fur removal.
Take that sucker and dip it in the butter like it's your job.
Take that sucker and dip it in the butter like it’s your job.
Put it in your mouth and thank the baby Jesus you have taste buds.
Put it in your mouth and thank the baby Jesus you have taste buds.
Give yourself a pat on the back. You ate an artichoke! And you gained 7 lbs. HURRAY!
Give yourself a pat on the back. You ate an artichoke! And you gained 7 lbs. HURRAY!

3 thoughts on “How to Cook and Eat an Artichoke.

  1. Great how-to…and a funny article. BUT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE just make a normal face at least ONCE… bugging out your eyes is not as funny as you think it is… more distracting than anything. Signed…the known universe.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s